So, I have a bit of a tale to tell yall this evening.
Today has been…one heck of a day. At the moment, it’s 7:00pm and i’ve just returned home after being at the hospital all day. To be honest, i’m surprised I remember so much. I shouldn’t..but hey, i’m a weirdo lol. Today was….a HELL of a day o_0
It began this morning. I was supposed to be at work today by 8:30am and because I live around 12 miles from my workplace I told myself I was going to wake up at 5am to get ready etc etc. Now, because i’ve had a lot on my mind for the past few days, i finally drifted off to sleep at around 1am.
A couple of hours later, I wake up and I start crying…at this point, it’s been the norm for me, considering the week i’ve had, to me so I don’t think anything of it. A few minutes later, i realise i’m hyperventilating. Thinking that I was experiencing an asthma attack, I used my asthma pump, which was nearby. After a few minutes later, my breathing returned to normal and I lay in bed, thinking about recent events. I’ve been extremely stressed out this week, from University screw ups to problems at work but most of all, relationship problems and the fact that i’ve been keeping all of this in and not telling anyone has taken a toll on my mind i suppose.
So i’m lying in bed thinking about something I did earlier this week…and I just started to cry again uncontrollably.
This is the last thing i remember.
The next thing I know, I wake up and i’m in a hospital bed surrounded by a couple of Doctors and my mum, who’s in the corner. I’m looking around and immediately i’m sitting there like ‘WHAT THE HELL?!” The last thing I remember was sitting in my room crying…and so the doctor started talking some medical nonsence to me but I wasn’t really listening because I wanted my mum.
My mum came over to me and told me everything that happened. It literally sounded like something out of a movie! She said that I started screaming and that woke her up so she came to my room to see what was going on. Apparently she tried talking to me but I wasn’t being coherent. She said that I started shaking really violently and then i apparently passed out.
Now I don’t remember this happening at all! This really shocked me, and i’m here looking at my mum like “Whatchu talkin bout Willis ¬_¬” because shit like that just sounded..so bizarre.
So come 2pm in still in the bed and this lovely Dr comes to check me over and replace the drip in my arm (this drip was crazy…i felt so high lmao I don’t know what it contained) and so I asked him what the hell happened to me, he tells me that I suffered a severe panic/anxiety attack which he presumes was brought on by extreme stress, this apparently caused my brain to shut down temporarily, causing a lack of oxygen, thus causing me to black out and if my mum hadn’t reacted quicker, it would have definately been fatal. I was a bit confused because I thought if the brain stopped functioning, I would automatially die..but alas. Doc knows best i suppose.
So i was sitting here, taking in all this information like o_0. I hugged my mum for sooooo long and then I started crying again because I realised how serious this situation was. The Doctor then gave me some steriods (It was so cute! A hot pink tablet they dissolve in water lol) and then some other medicine and then I fell asleep for a bit, then I woke up again and the Dr came to tell me that they have a councilling depratment which they suggested I should sign up to. This lady from the councilling department was there too and she was telling me all the usual psychiatric mumbo jumbo i’ve heard before.
Anyway to cut a long story short…I’m back home, I’m doing well, just in bed resting…thinking that this coulda been the big one. I could have died. To be honest, with the way i’m feeling now, I would have welcomed it. I have never been in a situation like the one i’ve been in today and I know exactly what caused it. I’m scared to sleep because i’m scared that it will happen again, so i’m sitting here watching episodes of Family Guy and the Simpsons to make me laugh.
At the moment, i’m very depressed. I really don’t want to sound pathetic and everything, but i know that it was a matter of the heart which caused this. I’ve just been crying every day, literally every half an hour or so and it’s really getting me down…I just don’t know what to do. You know that feeling when..when you really love someone and you know they don’t feel the same way about you anymore..you want to try and make it right because you love them more than anything in the world, but they just don’t want to listen…as if they don’t love you anymore. the rejection..it hurts so much, it hurt enough to actually physically shut my body down…that’s major shit right there. I never in all my life felt this way about another person and for them to have such an effect on me physically…Damn. When I told him I couldn’t live without him, I guess i meant it literally lol.
I know that this pain is gonna last for a hell of a long time…and I don’t know what to do. I literally have no one to talk to about this , the person I COULD talk to about this, doesn’t want me anymore so i’m..i just don’t know what to do anymore. To be honest if I had died this morning it would have been better. I don’t mean to sound like an Emo…I just want to make the pain go away by any means necessary.
Love is so..arrrrgh.
Anyway, I’m sorry about my blabbering on..I just needed to write. I doubt he would read this, but If he does I just hope he knows that I am really in love with him and I don’t want anybody else..i’m never going to be with anybody else even if he doesn’t want me…just need to know that he’s ok and I know he hates me but I still feel exactly the same about him and that I take back everything I initially said to him and that we really NEED TO TALK. =(
I don’t think i’ve ever been this..serious about anything in my life. Lol the Stephanie 2 years ago would never publically declare her love for someone in as much detail as this…but, love makes people do strange things.
Anyway, I’ma get back to resting and watching TV.
Thanks for reading.