I’ve been wanting to write this post for the longest time, but have always been quite nervous of doing it I suppose. I want to write about a moment that happens to a lot of us when you are forced to start again from scratch after a series of unfortunate events. How do you cope? What do you do? Where does one go from here?
Now a fair few of you may know that this has been quite an awful year for me; the end of a relationship that was out of my control, (ongoing) heartbreak, being forced to move out of my lovely flat and the end of my previous job all happening within a month takes a toll on a person, and as someone who absolutely hates things happening outside of my control, I literally spiralled. I moved back home temporarily while my depression came back with a vengeance, and eventually moved somewhere new. I was unemployed for 4 months and as my moving out/re-moving was unplanned, I used every penny I had into moving/rent/deposits etc and had to rely on family, loans, and benefits to pay my rent and buy food.
I spent the majority of my days in my room in a near catatonic state, only moving to cry and/or do something destructive, thinking about how far back I had moved in life. From having my own flat and thinking about a future with someone who I thought was the love of my life, to moving out, being broke, living with housemates and being alone again at age 28, I started comparing my life to others my age who were getting married, having kids or just being in amazing relationships. Even though none of what happened was my fault, I began to blame myself for this series of events. I blamed myself for not being good enough, and for stupidly thinking that I could ever be happy with someone or that someone would genuinely want to be with me for a long time.
So what do you do when everything is pulled from underneath you and you’re forced to start from scratch? Well, to be honest, I don’t know, as I’m still pushing through it hoping to eventually one day see the light at the end of the tunnel.
A few awesome things have happened within the past couple months, such as writing articles for Elle Magazine and GQ Magazine, finding an awesome role within the job sector I’ve always wanted, and doing cool blog things, all things I don’t take for granted at all and am very thankful for – however when it comes to my mental and emotional health, things are still quite painful and stagnant. People say that time is a healer and that you have to go through dark periods in order to see the light. People say that you have to be broken in order to be stronger and that everything happens for a reason, but I don’t know yet. I guess because I’m still in the dark, I struggle to see a positive future.
All I know is that for the time being, I’m happy to continue creating awesome content on here and if it wasn’t for my blog this summer, I don’t know where I would be. It’s been the one thing keeping me afloat this year.
So here’s to those of us who have had to take a few steps back in life at a later age. Here’s to those of us who are having to start life again from scratch and here’s hoping that one day, we find ourselves back within the light: happy, healthy and thriving.