18th October 2009
Today is a new day…Long post (WARNING: Contains EXTREME Emo-ness lolz)
“you know sally had a saying when life makes you deal with mean and hateful people think of them as sand paper they may scratch you they may rub you in the wrong way but eventually you will polished and smooth and the sandpaper will be worn and ugly”
The Fighting Tempations 2005
Two lessons I have learnt from recent events:
1. Be careful who you give your heart to.
2.Always, ALWAYS go with your instinct.
If someone tells you they are in some weird freaky shit, get the fuck out lol.
If someone tells you they’ve killed someone before, get the fuck out.
If someone tells you they have had abused relationships…get the FUCK out.
If someone tells you they cheat by nature..ohhhh get the FUCK out lol.
I swear, I have amazing instincts, but for the past 6 months i’ve chosen to ignore them.
A little thing called love.
Love is fucking dangerous and you give it to the wrong person, it’ll mess you up for a long time.
And it does leave an imprint.
Yesterday I was..evidently an emotional wreck (see below post lol)
Hey, I can’t help my Emo ass haha!
But after a loooooooooooooong phono convo with one of my guy friends he’s changed my perspective a bit and has made me see things from a male point of view.
He told me something which was really cool but i cannot for the life of me, remember how he phrased it lol.
Something about ‘it’s always better when people who don’t deserve you, take themselves out of your life rather than you brushing them out. It’s easier that way..he was spitting real knowledge last night and it’s funny because i’ve only known him for like, 2 weeks, yet he was the first one to console me after what happened which is sweet lol.
But yeah back to what I was saying.
I saw a different side to this guy yesterday. A nasty, deceitful boy who went as far as to lie to others to make himself look good and me bad. You know I just think, after all this time i’ve done nothing but try to be good to him and everything, never lied, never strayed..he turns on me at the drop of a hat. Literally at the drop of a hat he starts being nasty to me like the whole 6 months never happened. This coming from a guy who’s supposed to know me deep down and knows that i would never be malicious or anything like that unless provoked (which i was last night, like a typical Taurean lol)
To be honest, I have this thing where if someone defames my character or tells people that i’m a nasty person when we BOTH know that i’m not, i instantly want to clear my name because I guess i care what people think about me and I don’t want people having that wrong impression, when I haven’t done anything wrong. So maybe I did some things that were a bit offscale yesterday but that’s only because I hate when people try to put me down and misunderstand moi.
Now it’s all about rebuilding myself I suppose. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise.
Starting off a relationship being the girl that the guy cheated on me with is not a great start to a relationship.
Starting off a relationship with the guy lying to you to protect his own skin kinda sets the foundation of how that relationship is going to turn out in future.
All I know is.
I am never falling in love again lol. At least, not now. Done it once,tore me apart..nah i’m too sensitive for that ish.
I feel sorry for all the parties involved to be honest lol. I really really do and I pray for them.
But yeah..I have no resentment in my heart..this situation could have easily turned me into a shell of myself. I could have ended up angry and bitter.
But you know what? It’s not worth it. I know that i’m a good person and that i’ll make someone happy someday in the distant future and hopefully find somebody who will genuinely love me for my crazy,random emotional self haha! It may take me 10,20,or 30 years to find them but i don’t want to give up on love just yet because I know the kind of person I was when I was in love..everyday was sunshine and rainbows and leprachauns doing a merry little jig with elves lol. I blossomed. And I want to feel like that again.
Just not right now..which is heard because I want a relationship. I really do. I want someone to care about, to look after, to be my best friend, to joke around with, to be totally secure in myself with him and have no doubts about the relationship. My friend said that the other party involved would start to regret his decision. Meh.
Kinda half and half on that. On one side it’s good that they are happy and have found someone, in their eyes ‘more deserving’ than me. Which on one hand is funny because I like to think i am a nice person and that I was a great person who ended up with an asshole which makes me wonder what the ‘more deserving’ person is like. On the other hand I feel like..and its not often I ‘toot my own horn’ as such, but i know I was a great girlfriend you know? And i gave him everything, i really stripped myself down to the core for him and just became really vulnerable..too vulnerable to a point where i put his needs/his life before mine. To be honest, I still feel like that. Why? not because i am obsessed or a weirdo. Because when I care and love somebody, I love H.A.R.D. I’m like a Rottweiler mauling a baby, I just DON’T let go (sorry for that sick analogy lol) and i just literally adopt the whole essense of that person into my heart so they become a part of me. And so..Ok you know how we women are right? With the whole “SHE’LL NEVER LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS I DID NIGGA!!!!” episode. Ha, i was kinda feeling that a bit yesterday. But yeah, I love hard and it doesn’t go away, it won’t go away, despite the things he’s done. Stupid I know but that’s how I am and that’s probably why people keep taking advantage of me lol.
I just have to learn not to put other people before myself, beause when they leave, you feel like nothing.
To say thinking about all of this doesn’t bring a tear to my eye would be lying.
I mean i’ma use an EXTREME example and I hope I dont cause offense but its the only way i can express how I feel. I literally feels like i have been emotionally raped. And that’s the truth. These past 18 hours…I swear I’ve felt emotions that haven’t even been discovered by psychologists yet lol.
Onwards and upwards right?
Taking it one step at a time.
Because the last time I was in a situation like this…well lets just say it took 18 months, countless councillors and anti-depressants to get me out of that black hole and i’ll de daaaamned if I go there again.
I still have a lotta love in my heart for him and everyone in general. 😀
So i’ma just take this L (<== american lingo i learned lmao! i’m so gay) and get on with my life.
Today is a new day…
On that note, I’m off (LMAO i talk tooo much people, I know I know, this supposed to be a lighthearted blog but occassionally you’ll get an emo post like this lol. I always find it better to write down my thoughts and let people read it, rather than talk directly to them. Because i’m not used to talking about my feelings, i start off then start blabbering and messing up my words, eventually ending up in a ‘crumpled heap on the floor’ #VoldermortFail lmao)
I’ma go and get me some Muesli! I swear that’s all I eat these days. I didn’t eat anything yesterday so i’ma make up for it with some Muesli and like..4 apples lol. Back on my weightloss game now. It should be easier now with this whole brokenhearted situation because I don’t eat when i’m in this state so lets see how this goes! Aim: 20 lbs by November 15th
Now i need to go clean my room and cook for my Father 😀
P.S-thank you to everyone who came on Ustream last night and provided me with laughter when I was looking TERRIBLE and blotchy eyed lol. <3
I’m sorry this post is so long. There won’t be another one like it for a while lol.